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Monthly Archives: June 2011

FRIENDSHIP

Describe your BEST FRIEND from Childhood…..what did you do together?……this is today’s question……I think I love this question.

Friendship……. friends are the ships that keep you afloat when the holes are too big and the waves too high…

Childhood friends are friends that you make and play with when you are a child. Some grow with those friends and some grow away from those friends….some move away …..some move back ……and some friends never change ……

I as a child moved many times so it was not easy making friends…The longest I lived in one home was 3 years…..I became an expert at being the new kid. I have counted the amount of times I have moved and my number is 37 times so far …..and well I’m 37 years old so you can average that out to once per year ..haha…so as a child I was always the one that moved away ….but I have also been the one to move back ….I have grown away …and have also grown with…….. some of the most amazing friends …..

I consider myself a lucky friend …..for I do not have many people I call friends but the few I do I cherish deeply….I have one friend that I would call my childhood friend …..I met her when I was in the 6th grade…..I was the new kid of course…and she was the one that moved back….we were brought together by an old friend of hers all the way back from kindergarten… (OK we were 11-12..haha ) who was also a new friend for me….That year was a tough one …haha…puberty starts kicking in around that age and I was known to be a little bossy back then ..haha…their were some fights and some making up and the year ended with her and I becoming the best of friends and ready to conquer Middle School…

We spent that first summer going for bike rides all around the city,going swimming, pick nicks in the cemetery…I know it’s a little morbid but it was quiet and right on the lake ..haha..we enjoyed it…. we also pick nicked in the royal botanical gardens so not all morbid…haha….we even got lost and found together…

I moved halfway through the next year to the other side of the city but we had a good foundation and I got my first phone so we still talked and hung out every once in a while …..but at the end of grade 7 I moved to Quebec I remember feeling like I lost my best friend…haha…ok well I was losing my best friend ….but she was a dedicated friend and promised to  write and so in the following year I wrote letters to my two best friends that I left in Ontario….I didn’t mail very many letters but I wrote many…haha that year was also the year that my parents divorced and my father moved back to Ontario so when I would go see him I would call my friend up and we would trade shoe boxes of letters hang out and take them back with me….

Now life works in mysterious ways sometimes….The year I was starting High School I moved in with my father so back to Ontario I went I was so excited to move back but we moved to a new part of town and I was a little sad and scared to be starting High School by my self and not knowing any one ….I called my childhood friend and her grandmother tells me they have moved and she gives me her new # …… I found her just a few blocks away from my new home…..And for the first time in my life I would not be starting a new school by my self ..haha….this was going to be a good year….

we were teens… we grew…we learned ….we got in trouble …. our bond got stronger we made new friends…but still we were close and nothing would separate us….not even BOYS…haha ….but once again I moved to another city and we slowly grew apart she hung out with people I didn’t know and slowly we grew apart but always talked on the phone and never forgot a birthday …..over the years we went our separate ways…She continued school and I started a family but we have always made the effort to stay in touch even when life worked against us …

I think that over the years if she had not made as much of an effort as she did we may not still be friends and I thank her for that because if she hadn’t I would have missed out on the wonderful women, Friend,and Mother she has become (sniff)….haha…I still don’t see her much nor do I talk to her often (I do live on the other side of the country)but I cherish every moment I do….there is a bond between us that I will cherish till the end of time… I do think she is the better friend there have been times that I feel like I wasn’t there for her when I should have been but I think she knows that I wish I could have been the friend that she needed and I always sent her all my love.

OK I started writing thinking I would talk about all the wonderful friends I have but it became all about one ….haha….but I do have a few more that I cherish as much as her that I want to talk about….

one is my Sister she truly is one of my best friends and wishes nothing but the best for me…. I can trust her and she will always be there for me no matter what …even if she does THINK she knows better ….haha… 😛

another one is someone who I met in the 9th grade and boy did the four of us get in trouble!!!…haha….and I remember feeling like the other 2’s parents thought my sister and I were the bad influence but I think I kept them reeled in a bit because boy did they get in trouble when I moved away …haha….her and I  grew apart as adults but have recently reconnected and it pleases me because when you have friends like these that you can be your self with it makes the rest of the world look less scary.

now my last childhood friend that I have… I think we are complete opposite’s but for what ever reason we clicked from the first time we met when I was 15 and she stole the last table in Tim Horton’s right from underneath me …haha…she is just one of those people who accepts you for who you are and she is someone who not only do I trust her with all ….but I think she knows all !!!!…..not someone I would ever want upset with me……haha

These four Women …….I would trust with all my secrets….( OK I have to…. I think combined they could hurt me !!!!…..haha…).These four Women I don’t have to trust with all my deep dark secrets because they were there and know them all ……and do you know why they were there ……

Because Friendships……. are the ships that keep you afloat when the holes are too big and the waves too high that’s why ……

They are the leaves that feed this Caterpillar to help me morph into my Butterfly….

And this is how My Life Becomes Me…….

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Posted by on June 29, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, week post 2011

 

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Letting Go…..

A body pillow.

Image via Wikipedia

one of the things I have always been told by my family my entire life was the fact that I don’t let anything go I hold on to everything…

Now when I think back about my childhood and the things I held on to, I have to say I never believed I was a hoarder by any means but I definitely have issues of letting go…..I kept essays and some of my favorite school projects, birthday,Christmas cards .. jewelry boxes….. really anything that I found sentimental to me ……some of the school things that I kept were how to’s …..I never had an easy time in school so I kept things like my notes on how to do things…and my exercise sheets and books for my speech therapy…..my reasoning for keeping these things like the school work was because when I had children I wanted to have easy reference to them because I didn’t think I would remember how to do these things …..as for the speech books….If for what ever reason I had a child who was tongue-tied I wanted to be able to help them….In my mind I had reason for everything….but don’t all hoarders think that way …haha

Ok I do sound like a hoarder when I re-read that paragraph…..but really all of my things from my childhood were packed into 3 boxes and these 3 boxes were always stuffed in a basement or closet…..and my partner’s problem was he didn’t want to move them any more…..so I solved that problem by carrying the boxes myself along with all my boxes of books that he also refused to pick up because he said I had to many of them ….haha….and we all know that we can never have to many books(he doesn’t come from a family of readers like I did…haha…

My biggest issue I think was my pillow…..yes a pillow!..I had a pillow that I refused to give up I don’t really remember when I got it but I was young maybe 7-8 ……we always seemed to move for one reason or another, three years was the most in one home until I moved out on my own and I started my own travel log book…it had its disadvantages of course but it also has its advantages…. this is probably why I’m always open to change……and I was willing to move across the country for my partner….

I was very attached to this pillow and if we went camping it always came with me …it was the right texture you know the kind made with foam all cut up so all you had to do was punch it a few times and it became all fluffy again ..haha..your head didn’t sink and hit like a rock like a feather pillow did, it stayed fluffy and soft and it cradled my neck just the right way …haha ( can you tell I loved this pillow)…… 🙂

As I grew up and my pillow grew old I would find old teddy’s made with the same type of stuffing and I would replace the covers with new pillowcases when they would start to disintegrate wash after wash and then re-stuff them.The best stuffing was from some dolls that my parents brought back from Barbados they kept my pillow alive for oh so many years..lol…then as an adult my partner would get upset with me …roll his eyes…tell me I was being ridiculous for wanting to bring my pillow because once again it came on road trips with me…. ( you always need a pillow in a car how else are you going to sleep..haha ) I remember once I gave in and left it at home ….Just as I had expected…I had the worst sleep ever!!! never again I decided why should I wake up with a bad neck because my partner thinks it’s childish to be so attached to my pillow …haha

I as an adult understand that I have issues that are a little OCD …I understand and accept such things and I work on the issues that I have acknowledged …..as for the others I’ve not found them yet so they will be dealt with when and if I discover them…haha

Now a couple moves back during a very stressful time in my life my poor pillow was left behind….. my partner forgot to pack it along with the bedding from the bed….I think that was the day I realized what my attachment to my pillow was ….it was my home base …..no matter where I was in my travels as long as I had my pillow I was safe …..that was something I knew I could always hold on to ….my something familiar…..my so called security blanket…..So on this fateful day …..the day I lost my business,my home and my pride ……I also lost my security blanket ….it was quite the day….I don’t think I have ever felt so open and raw as I did that day…. and I remember thinking  how silly I was for crying over a pillow like a child…..of course when my nerves settled and I had calmed down I realized my stress was not over a pillow it was about my loss of security which I felt  with the loss of my business not my symbolized security ….my pillow…..so here I am as an adult ..fully understanding that it may not really be a healthy attachment ….but had never really made that foreword leap to deal with my pillow issue yet..haha… and on that day life decided that it was time ….haha.

I think back on that moment and realize that I put so much energy in this pillow that I couldn’t grieve for what needed to be grieved….that day was the first day of my transformation, I just didn’t know it yet….

now 3 years later I have learned to let go …..Maybe this was a lesson I have needed to learn more then any others….it was/is defiantly one that was and still is the hardest…..I don’t keep much now… these things that we surround ourselves with are just that……. just things ….the memory is still in our head we just need to go through the filing cabinet and find what we want and need …..now when I save something or keep something I go through a mental process to decide whether or not I will keep it….what my reasons are for keeping it and whether or not it has a place in my home , life , or my heart…..

I have gotten rid of most things that I had in those 3 boxes now because I don’t feel the need for them anymore,I didn’t need them like I thought I would…

my eyes are now looking forward to the future not behind me in the past. My Books on the other hand will still be filling book shelves where ever I go….although I think my partner has trained his new puppy to help get rid of them as much and as fast as possible ….she sure loves to chew them …haha

I think I have come a long way since that dreadful day, I don’t keep things that I don’t need anymore for one thing but I have been able to put things into perspective of how I want to live and what I find important now compared to what I used to find important years ago.

I have found a new pillow…haha…it’s still the only kind that doesn’t give me a kink in my neck….but at least now I know the world will not end if I lose it …..haha…. I guess it’s still a work in progress…haha

That is how my Life Becomes Me

 
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Posted by on June 22, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, Travel, week post 2011

 

The crazy Mom…..

Glass marbles

Image by asirap via Flickr

  • The crazy Mom……..
  • I think this is me ……..
  • The Crazy Mom……
  • where will she be…
  • The Crazy Mom….
  • That’s right you know who you are….
  • The crazy Mom that’s Me….
so I’m Thinking a little out side to box tonight,I was just remembering several occasions when I became the crazy mom…..
On this particular morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed…..and on this morning I decided that I had enough once again of my children and my partner’s less than tidy habits….because once again this was my one day off and no one tidied up the house on their day off because no one was responsible for telling them to clean up after them selves but me and since I worked on Saturdays nothing ever gets done until I do it on Sundays….
so on this Sunday I must have been P.M.Sing…haha…because I went to that other place……The Crazy MOM place …haha…it all started with the marbles…..and not the ones from my head….haha……I stepped on a marble….and as I am yelling at the children to clean up their things I am picking up the marbles that are all scattered on the living room floor and placing them in the tin that they belong in ……Then it happens…….

I pick up the tin and as I do they all scatter from fear of the repercussions for being in my way and under my feet…..the bottom of the tin was not attached!!!!…….so I glared at the children and my partner….because this was all they’re fault of course……and all three children scatter to pick up marbles……once again not the ones from my head…..so I once again pick up the tin and there it goes again marbles everywhere…..I’m telling you these marbles are really getting to me so for the third time we start picking up the marbles now by this time everyone has become very quiet because they all know ….I’ve made it quite clear that I’m cranky and p.m.sing and haven’t had my morning coffee……so for the last time I pick up that darn tin and wouldn’t you know it …….they all scatter in fear….haha….and that is when I started giggling ….and then the laughter started….and I realized that Crazy Mom will not keep her marbles until she calms down!!!!!!!……….

Of course I was then able to hold on to the bottom of the tin collected my marbles and had my coffee 😛

I wrote this to remind myself because I’m feeling like The Crazy Mom is trying to come out and I thought I would remind myself what happens when she is unleashed…….to avoid losing my marbles!!!!!…..haha

This is How life Becomes Me…… 🙂

 
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Posted by on June 13, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, week post 2011

 

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Joy

In the last maybe ten years or so I have noticed that I don’t enjoy things like I used to ….it’s not that I don’t find joy in the things I do because I do but I think I am having a hard time expressing that joy and I seem to have a hard time believing that joy will last
I think when I see that I am going to experience something joyful ….I start to retreat inside myself …..to keep it hidden i’m afraid to show that i am receiving pleasure from something.
I am starting to realize that when ever I think something wonderful is about to happen or is happening I also expect something else is going to happen to take away that joy…..
Like a rainbow you can’t have the beauty without the rain…and you can’t appreciate the good without the bad….

I don’t fully understand why I always expect the worst to happen and sometimes I wonder if I contribute to the bad because I expect it ….I am slowly understanding how to accept the good and absorb the good energy I get from it. And when the bad comes I do seem to be able to deal with it as a separate issue …. And not as a punishment for enjoying some thing good. I am starting to see that the bad will not always come after the good.

Years ago I used to be such an enthusiast but some where along the line I lost that part of me maybe it was being looked at with rolling eyes when I showed to much enthusiasm or maybe it was just me allowing every one else’s doubts and negativity to blind me

I am trying so hard to find that part of me to remember how that felt .
I see glimpses of that more and more lately…

That is how My Life Becomes Me 🙂

 
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Posted by on June 11, 2011 in Change, life, week post 2011

 

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Stumped!!

I am having a real hard time writing now I seem to be blocked….I really need to get re-inspired!

I must be at a cross roads in my life and I guess I’m going to have to figure out which path to take I hope to have my words flowing again soon 😦