In the last maybe ten years or so I have noticed that I don’t enjoy things like I used to ….it’s not that I don’t find joy in the things I do because I do but I think I am having a hard time expressing that joy and I seem to have a hard time believing that joy will last
I think when I see that I am going to experience something joyful ….I start to retreat inside myself …..to keep it hidden i’m afraid to show that i am receiving pleasure from something.
I am starting to realize that when ever I think something wonderful is about to happen or is happening I also expect something else is going to happen to take away that joy…..
Like a rainbow you can’t have the beauty without the rain…and you can’t appreciate the good without the bad….
I don’t fully understand why I always expect the worst to happen and sometimes I wonder if I contribute to the bad because I expect it ….I am slowly understanding how to accept the good and absorb the good energy I get from it. And when the bad comes I do seem to be able to deal with it as a separate issue …. And not as a punishment for enjoying some thing good. I am starting to see that the bad will not always come after the good.
Years ago I used to be such an enthusiast but some where along the line I lost that part of me maybe it was being looked at with rolling eyes when I showed to much enthusiasm or maybe it was just me allowing every one else’s doubts and negativity to blind me
I am trying so hard to find that part of me to remember how that felt .
I see glimpses of that more and more lately…
That is how My Life Becomes Me 🙂