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Letting Go…..

22 Jun
A body pillow.

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one of the things I have always been told by my family my entire life was the fact that I don’t let anything go I hold on to everything…

Now when I think back about my childhood and the things I held on to, I have to say I never believed I was a hoarder by any means but I definitely have issues of letting go…..I kept essays and some of my favorite school projects, birthday,Christmas cards .. jewelry boxes….. really anything that I found sentimental to me ……some of the school things that I kept were how to’s …..I never had an easy time in school so I kept things like my notes on how to do things…and my exercise sheets and books for my speech therapy…..my reasoning for keeping these things like the school work was because when I had children I wanted to have easy reference to them because I didn’t think I would remember how to do these things …..as for the speech books….If for what ever reason I had a child who was tongue-tied I wanted to be able to help them….In my mind I had reason for everything….but don’t all hoarders think that way …haha

Ok I do sound like a hoarder when I re-read that paragraph…..but really all of my things from my childhood were packed into 3 boxes and these 3 boxes were always stuffed in a basement or closet…..and my partner’s problem was he didn’t want to move them any more…..so I solved that problem by carrying the boxes myself along with all my boxes of books that he also refused to pick up because he said I had to many of them ….haha….and we all know that we can never have to many books(he doesn’t come from a family of readers like I did…haha…

My biggest issue I think was my pillow…..yes a pillow!..I had a pillow that I refused to give up I don’t really remember when I got it but I was young maybe 7-8 ……we always seemed to move for one reason or another, three years was the most in one home until I moved out on my own and I started my own travel log book…it had its disadvantages of course but it also has its advantages…. this is probably why I’m always open to change……and I was willing to move across the country for my partner….

I was very attached to this pillow and if we went camping it always came with me …it was the right texture you know the kind made with foam all cut up so all you had to do was punch it a few times and it became all fluffy again ..haha..your head didn’t sink and hit like a rock like a feather pillow did, it stayed fluffy and soft and it cradled my neck just the right way …haha ( can you tell I loved this pillow)…… 🙂

As I grew up and my pillow grew old I would find old teddy’s made with the same type of stuffing and I would replace the covers with new pillowcases when they would start to disintegrate wash after wash and then re-stuff them.The best stuffing was from some dolls that my parents brought back from Barbados they kept my pillow alive for oh so many years..lol…then as an adult my partner would get upset with me …roll his eyes…tell me I was being ridiculous for wanting to bring my pillow because once again it came on road trips with me…. ( you always need a pillow in a car how else are you going to sleep..haha ) I remember once I gave in and left it at home ….Just as I had expected…I had the worst sleep ever!!! never again I decided why should I wake up with a bad neck because my partner thinks it’s childish to be so attached to my pillow …haha

I as an adult understand that I have issues that are a little OCD …I understand and accept such things and I work on the issues that I have acknowledged …..as for the others I’ve not found them yet so they will be dealt with when and if I discover them…haha

Now a couple moves back during a very stressful time in my life my poor pillow was left behind….. my partner forgot to pack it along with the bedding from the bed….I think that was the day I realized what my attachment to my pillow was ….it was my home base …..no matter where I was in my travels as long as I had my pillow I was safe …..that was something I knew I could always hold on to ….my something familiar…..my so called security blanket…..So on this fateful day …..the day I lost my business,my home and my pride ……I also lost my security blanket ….it was quite the day….I don’t think I have ever felt so open and raw as I did that day…. and I remember thinking  how silly I was for crying over a pillow like a child…..of course when my nerves settled and I had calmed down I realized my stress was not over a pillow it was about my loss of security which I felt  with the loss of my business not my symbolized security ….my pillow…..so here I am as an adult ..fully understanding that it may not really be a healthy attachment ….but had never really made that foreword leap to deal with my pillow issue yet..haha… and on that day life decided that it was time ….haha.

I think back on that moment and realize that I put so much energy in this pillow that I couldn’t grieve for what needed to be grieved….that day was the first day of my transformation, I just didn’t know it yet….

now 3 years later I have learned to let go …..Maybe this was a lesson I have needed to learn more then any others….it was/is defiantly one that was and still is the hardest…..I don’t keep much now… these things that we surround ourselves with are just that……. just things ….the memory is still in our head we just need to go through the filing cabinet and find what we want and need …..now when I save something or keep something I go through a mental process to decide whether or not I will keep it….what my reasons are for keeping it and whether or not it has a place in my home , life , or my heart…..

I have gotten rid of most things that I had in those 3 boxes now because I don’t feel the need for them anymore,I didn’t need them like I thought I would…

my eyes are now looking forward to the future not behind me in the past. My Books on the other hand will still be filling book shelves where ever I go….although I think my partner has trained his new puppy to help get rid of them as much and as fast as possible ….she sure loves to chew them …haha

I think I have come a long way since that dreadful day, I don’t keep things that I don’t need anymore for one thing but I have been able to put things into perspective of how I want to live and what I find important now compared to what I used to find important years ago.

I have found a new pillow…haha…it’s still the only kind that doesn’t give me a kink in my neck….but at least now I know the world will not end if I lose it …..haha…. I guess it’s still a work in progress…haha

That is how my Life Becomes Me

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4 Comments

Posted by on June 22, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, Travel, week post 2011

 

4 responses to “Letting Go…..

  1. Nat

    June 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    I remember how hard it was for you to let go. I felt so bad having to push you into it but it had to be done we had no time. I think I kept saying Do you need it? Or Do you want it? and the wants had to go cuz they were not needed at the time. Ultimately I think it was good for you cuz things are things and can always be replaced. People can’t and that’s what is important.
    Nat

     
    • Life Becomes Me

      June 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm

      Haha…..it was very hard to let go and thank you for being there for me….I have nothing but growing pains from the memories during that time and that is all I need ….. 😀

       
  2. Danielle

    June 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    A message from my tooth!

    This is too much of a coincidence not to step in this post of yours Stephanie. LOL

    This past few weeks I had problem with one of my back teeth. I went to see a new dentist so I could walk there. She is a real angel. She laugh when I told her that there should be a law to stop men to be dentist. Women are much more gentle and cause less pain.

    So after she send me to see a specialist I had to return to her to have my tooth extract because specialist don’t do that!!! After much pain and antibiotic and pain killer that didn’t work I finally had my tooth removed.

    While she was doing it I ask her to see the tooth. She showed it to me the first part (it was crack in the middle and infection got to it because of the crack. That is why it had to be removed). After she was done removing the second part of my tooth I ask her if I could keep the tooth. She said sure. Her assistant laugh at my request but regardless put it in a tiny blue box.

    I explain Simali, my young women dentist that a part of me had just die and it was somehow hard for me to let it go and beside I could show my grand children that they were not the only one to lose there teeths. LOL

    That day I talk to my two sisters and told them about my visit to the dentist and they both laugh and told me to put my tooth under my pillow.

    I though it was funny that both of they said the same thing and I didn’t even think about it.

    So for the fun of it I did it. LOL

    Nope! not even a penny was under my pillow instead of my tooth when I wake up in the morning. LOL

    Actually I had forgot about it until later that morning.

    I turned on my computer first thing in the morning like usual and I saw that you had wrote a new post and since I really enjoy reading your posts I read that new one with anticipation.

    I couldn’t help but laugh at this one.

    No wonder you have a hard time to let go. LOL

    I can’t even let go of my teeth.LOL

    I went deeper with that thought to see what the message was in it for me.

    Here what came up:

    Is it possible that the problem is not the “things” we are emotionally attach to but instead in the unconscious repress memories of fears or sadness even lost good times, that the “things” like pillows, blankets, cigarettes and so on, is it possible that they are a way of comfort that we use to ease the discomfort inside of us until we become conscious enough to realise that the solution lies inside of us not outside (pillow etc.)?

    I don’t see anything wrong in the fact that we love our “things” and are attach to it emotionally because they are a part of our existence and are there for our enjoyment.

    I can see however that it could become a problem when we put to much emphases in there importance by thinking that our happiness depend on them. In the “things” I do include the people in our life. To often we expect people to make us happy and are disappointed when it seams like they are not.

    I know by experience that even when you lose all your stuff and everyone around you that you still can feel happiness inside.

    Happiness is a feeling and we are the only one to feel our feelings. NO ONE else can do it for us. We can AlWAYS choose our feelings with the direction of our thoughts. NO ONE can think for us even when we try. LOL

    We can choose the happy thoughts at will. It does come easier with practice when we understand. When we finally get the heck of it there is no need or room for blaming the lost of things and people the lack of happiness. That is the choice we have. What a wonderful gift we all had at birth. The choice of happiness or misery.

    And that is the message I had from my tooth under my pillow. I will keep that one as a reminder from a wisdom tooth. LOL

    Your toothfairy

     
    • Life Becomes Me

      June 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

      well thank you tooth-fairy….I think your tooth taught you a very good lesson…..haha…because Happiness is a choice…

       

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