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Category Archives: Choices

Walking the path of fear

I haven’t been on here in awhile. The reasons are many and hopefully I will have the motivation to start writing again.
I find it strange to be gone for so long and the fear of starting again is so pronounced, it feels like I have betrayed someone by not writing and have come crawling back for forgiveness ….and yet no one reads my posts so the only one who needs to worry about it is me … This blog was started to help me walk my path.

Now that I have spent so much time working on my life lets see if I can make some sense of it.

I’m glad to be back even it’s difficult because
This is how My Life Becomes Me ūüôā

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Posted by on July 19, 2013 in Change, Choices, life

 

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My favorite way to procrastinate

My favorite way to procrastinate is to think!
Do you believe that…what a way to procrastinate…to think….sometimes I wonder why because so much thinking could be quite dangerous you know …

sometimes I will think of ways I could be working on what I should be doing.
Sometimes I will be thinking of things I should be thinking about and sometimes I will be thinking of lists I will have to create to stop procrastinating so I can actually do what I’m supposed to do.
Other times I will listen to music ….saying to my self oh! I love this song I’ll get back to work after this one, or I’ll check my e-mail just incase I got something important.

Once a long time ago I got “a round Toit”…. But alas I lost it some time ago and maybe when I get a round Toit again it’ll get done!…. Bit until then I guess I’ll think about making a list of what has to get done.

And this is how My Life Becomes Me ūüôā

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2011 in Choices, life, week post 2011

 

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Caution!!!!! Comfort Zone

Do you ever notice that even when you want to stretch your mind and grow you still get stuck in you comfort zone ….that unwrapping that blanket is still difficult and you can’t find that opening that you want or even need.

I have really been putting myself to the test this past year….to streach my mind ….my capabilities….I have teetered on the edge a few times…. tripped up over my own feet …. and fallen on my ass…. but every time I pick my self up dust off and write it off as a new learning experience ….I tell myself that it’s something that has stretched my mind just a bit more.

Recently I was away on a training seminar and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to take myself out of my comfort zone ….during this class they asked questions and for every good question and every good answer you would get a ticket for a door prize ……as always as soon as you put a prize into the equation every one try’s just a little harder ….haha…I had no need for the door prize but the challenge on the other hand I thought to my self this is a great opportunity to test myself.

In the past if questions were asked and if I knew the answer I would wait till I heard the answer and if I did know the answer I would give myself a little pat on the back and tell myself see I did know that answer …but I would always stay silent in the back corner and if I got the question wrong I would once again give myself a little pat on the back because I didn’t know the answer and I didn’t make a fool of myself by trying.

As they asked the questions and people answered, I participated like I have never participated before.I learned that when I get called on and I don’t know the answer I still go as red a tomato and my mind really does go blank when I’m put on the spot and I don’t have time to prepare an answer …haha…. but I didn’t know the answer so I was taught the answer and now I know the answer…and when I knew the answer (and I knew more than I thought I would) I put myself out there to be challenged to be asked out of my little comfort zone to have everyone look at me and hear what I have to say ….I don’t know where this feeling comes from because I remember growing up everyone telling me that I was always trying to be the centre of attention …haha…and here I am as a grown women trying to break out of my corner and move up to the front of the class….because somtimes that is my safe place…just sitting in the back and listening and observing ….sometimes it’s nice to have someone other than myself tell me I’m right ….haha…just because I know how to pat myself on the back doesn’t mean I need to.

so I asked and I answered and I collected I think the most tickets out of our little group and I may not have won the door prize but I think my prize was the best because I am now one step closer to stepping out of the corner …I asked and I learned so much more than I ever would have by staying quiet in the back ….I as someone who has spent most of my working life teaching and training others have always told everyone that there is no such thing as a stupid question….and that day I proved it.

and that is how My Life Becomes Me ūüôā

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2011 in Change, Choices, life

 

Surprise !!!!!

What are most people surprised to learn about you? That is todays question…..

I have not written in a while I seem to be going through some mental anguish…..I feel the need to write but I don’t seem to know where to begin …..I have been very busy lately working non-stop. my partner and¬†3 kids tend to take over the rest of my time lately. I’m mentally strained I think so I’m gonna just write as I think and lets see where it takes me …haha

…………………….OK it’s not taking me anywhere !!!…lol

Back to the Question at hand ….What are most people surprised to learn about you ????…..I have no idea what most people are surprised to learn about me…..I think I will start a survey…..and ask people I know the answer to that and see what comes up…..and guess we’ll see where this leads me…..

and this is how My Life Becomes Me….. ūüôā

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2011 in Choices, life, week post 2011

 

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Judgement Day!! (2)

So My 14yr old read my post Judgment day and do you know what she said……she said that I wasn’t talking about judgment….so I guess I should get the proper¬†definition before I continue…haha…

To Pass Judgement :

The process of Judging in Law // The pronouncement of a decision ( to give judgment) a legal decision or sentence // an opinion // the ability to weigh matters prudently ( a man of sound judgment) // the process of assessing ( an error of judgment) // a blow of fate thought of by onlookers as a just retribution.

this is what I took out of the dictionary

I think that maybe I should not have called it judging maybe I should have called it making a¬†decision¬†about¬†something without all the facts or having an¬†opinion before having all the facts……

“Judging others is one of the ways in which the unconscious self, asleep to its unflagging sense of uncertainty, maintains the illusion of being superior to all that it meets.”

I read this quote and yes this is how I feel about judging others ……this has nothing to do with breaking the law or hurting others just my opinion on how I try to treat others nothing less nothing more .

the comment that was left on my last post about Judgment I understand why they think this and I agree that the rules and laws are for this reason so that we as people can become better and learn and the injustice’ s stop but this last sentence from the comment that was left on my first post really¬†bothers me and I need to respond to it

“There have been too many injustices that have happened to people who don’t have a voice or who¬†haven’t¬†the spirit to stand up and judge the way they have been treated to not be able to judge what others are doing.”

I believe that it is ¬†BECAUSE ¬†of ¬†judgment or others opinion that ¬†too many injustices have happened to people who did not believe they had a voice and did not have the spirit to stand up for them selves and I believe it is because of those who judge others that there is racism,genocide and inequality of women to name a few ….that have come to pass…..

and that is why I try not to pass judgment on others….and that is what I was trying to get¬†across¬†the first time around….haha…I hope this was a little more clear and I really do believe this is what they were trying to get across in that comment…..then again I may be wrong…haha…

I would also like to say that we as people have come a long way and we should be pleased with the way we are moving forward maybe it’s not as fast as we would like it to be but forward it is …..

and we must all remember that all great things happen in time …..slow and steady wins the race remember…..

and that is how My Life Becomes Me….

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, week post 2011

 

FRIENDSHIP

Describe your BEST FRIEND from Childhood…..what did you do together?……this is¬†today’s¬†question……I think I love this question.

Friendship……. friends are the ships that keep you¬†afloat when the holes are too big and the waves too high…

Childhood friends are friends that you make and play with when you are a child. Some grow with those friends and some grow away from those friends….some move away …..some move back ……and some friends never change ……

I as a child moved many times so it was not easy making friends…The longest I¬†lived¬†in one home was 3 years…..I became an expert at being the new kid.¬†I have counted the amount of times I have moved and my number is 37 times so far …..and well I’m 37 years old so you can average that out to once per year ..haha…so as a child I was always the one that moved away ….but I have also been the one to move back ….I have grown away …and have also grown with…….. some of the most amazing friends …..

I consider myself a lucky friend …..for I do not have many people I call friends but the few I do I cherish deeply….I have one friend that I would call my childhood friend …..I met her when I was in the 6th grade…..I was the new kid of course…and she was the one that moved back….we were brought together by an old friend of hers all the way back from¬†kindergarten… (OK¬†we were 11-12..haha ) who was also a new friend for me….That year was a tough one …haha…puberty starts kicking in around that age and I was known to be a little bossy back then ..haha…their were some fights and some making up and the year ended with her and I becoming the best of friends and ready to conquer Middle School…

We spent that first summer going for bike rides all around the city,going swimming,¬†pick nicks in the¬†cemetery…I know it’s a little morbid but it was quiet and right on the lake ..haha..we enjoyed it….¬†we also pick nicked in the royal botanical gardens so not all morbid…haha….we even got lost and found together…

I moved halfway through the next year to the other side of the city but we had a good foundation and I got my first phone so we still talked and hung out¬†every once in a while …..but at the end of grade 7 I moved to Quebec I remember feeling like I lost my best friend…haha…ok well I was losing my best friend ….but she was a dedicated friend and¬†promised¬†to¬†¬†write and so in the following year I wrote letters to my two best friends that I left in Ontario….I didn’t mail very many letters but I wrote many…haha that year was also the year that my parents divorced and my father moved back to¬†Ontario so when I would go see him I would call my friend up and we would trade shoe boxes of letters hang out and take them back with me….

Now life works in mysterious ways sometimes….The year I was starting High School I moved in with my father so back to Ontario I went I was¬†so¬†excited to move back but we moved to a new part of town and I was a little sad and scared to be starting High School by my self and not knowing any one ….I called my childhood friend and her¬†grandmother¬†tells me they have moved and she gives me her new # …… I found her just a few¬†blocks away from my new home…..And for the first time in my life I would not be starting a new school by my self ..haha….this was going to be a good year….

we were teens… we grew…we learned ….we got in trouble …. our bond got stronger we made new friends…but still we were close and nothing would¬†separate¬†us….not even BOYS…haha ….but once again I moved to another city and we slowly grew apart she hung out with people I didn’t know and slowly we grew apart but always talked on the phone and never forgot a birthday …..over the years we went our¬†separate ways…She continued school and I started a family but we have always made the effort to stay in touch even when life worked against us …

I think that over the years if she had not made as much of an effort as she did we may not still be friends and I thank her for that because if she hadn’t I would have missed out on the wonderful women, Friend,and Mother she has become (sniff)….haha…I still don’t see her much nor do I talk to her often (I do live on the other side of the country)but I cherish every moment I do….there is a bond between us that I will cherish till the end of time… I do think she is the better friend there¬†have been times that I feel like I wasn’t there for her when I should have been but I think she knows that I wish I could have been the friend that she needed and I always sent her all my love.

OK I started writing thinking I would talk about all the wonderful friends I have but it became all about one ….haha….but I do have a few more that I¬†cherish¬†as much as her that I want to talk about….

one is my Sister she truly is one of my best friends and wishes nothing but the best for me…. I can trust her and she will always be there for me no matter what …even if she does THINK she knows better ….haha… ūüėõ

another one is someone who I met in the 9th grade and boy did the four of us get in trouble!!!…haha….and I remember feeling like the other 2’s parents thought my sister and I were the bad influence but I think I¬†kept¬†them¬†reeled¬†in a bit because boy did they get in trouble when I moved away …haha….her and I ¬†grew apart as adults but have¬†recently¬†reconnected and it pleases me because when you have friends like these that you can be your self with it makes the rest of the world look less scary.

now my last childhood friend that I have… I think we are complete¬†opposite’s but for what ever reason we clicked from the first time we met when I was 15 and she stole the last table in Tim¬†Horton’s¬†right from underneath me …haha…she is just one of those people who accepts you for who you are and she is someone who not only do I trust her with all ….but I think she knows all !!!!…..not someone I would ever want upset with me……haha

These four Women …….I would trust with all my¬†secrets….( OK I have to…. I think combined they could hurt me !!!!…..haha…).These four Women I don’t have to trust with all my deep dark secrets because they were there and know them all ……and do you know why they were there ……

Because Friendships……. are the ships that keep you¬†afloat when the holes are too big and the waves too high that’s why ……

They are the leaves that feed this¬†Caterpillar to help me morph into my Butterfly….

And this is how My Life Becomes Me…….

 
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Posted by on June 29, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, week post 2011

 

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Letting Go…..

A body pillow.

Image via Wikipedia

one of the things I have always been told by my family my entire life was the fact that I don’t let anything go I hold on to everything…

Now when I think back about my childhood and the things I held on to, I have to say I never believed I was a hoarder by any means but I definitely have issues of letting go…..I kept essays and some of my favorite school projects, birthday,Christmas cards .. jewelry boxes….. really anything that I found sentimental to me ……some of the school things that I kept were how to’s …..I never had an easy time in school so I kept things like my notes on how to do things…and my exercise sheets and books for my speech therapy…..my reasoning for keeping these things like the school work was because when I had children I wanted to have easy reference to them because I didn’t think I would remember how to do these things …..as for the speech books….If for what ever reason I had a child who was tongue-tied I wanted to be able to help them….In my mind I had reason for everything….but don’t all hoarders think that way …haha

Ok I do sound like a hoarder when I re-read that paragraph…..but really all of my things from my childhood were packed into 3 boxes and these 3 boxes were always stuffed in a basement or closet…..and my partner’s problem was he didn’t want to move them any more…..so I solved that problem by carrying the boxes myself along with all my boxes of books that he also refused to pick up because he said I had to many of them ….haha….and we all know that we can never have to many books(he doesn’t come from a family of readers like I did…haha…

My biggest issue I think was my pillow…..yes a pillow!..I had a pillow that I refused to give up I don’t really remember when I got it but I was young maybe 7-8 ……we always seemed to move for one reason or another, three years was the most in one home until I moved out on my own and I started my own travel log book…it had its disadvantages of course but it also has its advantages…. this is probably why I’m always open to change……and I was willing to move across the country for my partner….

I was very attached to this pillow and if we went camping it always came with me …it was the right texture you know the kind made with foam all cut up so all you had to do was punch it a few times and it became all fluffy again ..haha..your head didn’t sink and hit like a rock like a feather pillow did, it stayed fluffy and soft and it cradled my neck just the right way …haha ( can you tell I loved this pillow)…… ūüôā

As I grew up and my pillow grew old I would find old teddy’s made with the same type of stuffing and I would replace the covers with new pillowcases when they would start to disintegrate wash after wash and then re-stuff them.The best stuffing was from some dolls that my parents brought back from Barbados they kept my pillow alive for oh so many years..lol…then as an adult my partner would get upset with me …roll his eyes…tell me I was being ridiculous for wanting to bring my pillow because once again it came on road trips with me…. ( you always need a pillow in a car how else are you going to sleep..haha ) I remember once I gave in and left it at home ….Just as I had expected…I had the worst sleep ever!!! never again I decided why should I wake up with a bad neck because my partner thinks it’s childish to be so attached to my pillow …haha

I as an adult understand that I have issues that are a little OCD …I understand and accept such things and I work on the issues that I have acknowledged …..as for the others I’ve not found them yet so they will be dealt with when and if I discover them…haha

Now a couple moves back during a very stressful time in my life my poor pillow was left behind….. my partner forgot to pack it along with the bedding from the bed….I think that was the day I realized what my attachment to my pillow was ….it was my home base …..no matter where I was in my travels as long as I had my pillow I was safe …..that was something I knew I could always hold on to ….my something familiar…..my so called security blanket…..So on this fateful day …..the day I lost my business,my home and my pride ……I also lost my security blanket ….it was quite the day….I don’t think I have ever felt so open and raw as I did that day…. and I remember thinking ¬†how silly I was for crying over a pillow like a child…..of course when my nerves settled and I had calmed down I realized my stress was not over a pillow it was about my loss of security which I felt ¬†with the loss of my business not my symbolized security ….my pillow…..so here I am as an adult ..fully understanding that it may not really be a healthy attachment ….but had never really made that foreword leap to deal with my pillow issue yet..haha… and on that day life decided that it was time ….haha.

I think back on that moment and realize that I put so much energy in this pillow that I couldn’t grieve for what needed to be grieved….that day was the first day of my transformation, I just didn’t know it yet….

now 3 years later I have learned to let go …..Maybe this was a lesson I have needed to learn more then any others….it was/is defiantly one that was and still is the hardest…..I don’t keep much now… these things that we surround ourselves with are just that……. just things ….the memory is still in our head we just need to go through the filing cabinet and find what we want and need …..now when I save something or keep something I go through a mental process to decide whether or not I will keep it….what my reasons are for keeping it and whether or not it has a place in my home , life , or my heart…..

I have gotten rid of most things that I had in those 3 boxes now because I don’t feel the need for them anymore,I didn’t need them like I thought I would…

my eyes are now looking forward to the future not behind me in the past. My Books on the other hand will still be filling book shelves where ever I go….although I think my partner has trained his new puppy to help get rid of them as much and as fast as possible ….she sure loves to chew them …haha

I think I have come a long way since that¬†dreadful¬†day, I don’t keep things that I don’t need anymore for one thing but I have been able to put things into perspective of how I want to live and what I find important now¬†compared¬†to what I used to find important years ago.

I have found a new pillow…haha…it’s still the only kind that doesn’t give me a kink in my neck….but at least now I know the world will not end if I lose it …..haha…. I guess it’s still a work in progress…haha

That is how my Life Becomes Me

 
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Posted by on June 22, 2011 in Change, Choices, life, Travel, week post 2011